


Swampsdale High

by hopeworldish, Phanicatthecrimescene



Category: Diary of a Wimpy Kid Series - Jeff Kinney, Shrek (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bangtan Boys | BTS A/B/O, Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Shrek Fusion, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Shrek Puns, Band Fic, Blow Jobs, Bullying, Child Neglect, Crack Treated Seriously, Draco Malfoy in the Muggle World, Dubiously Consensual Blow Jobs, Five Nights at Freddy's 1, Fluff and Angst, High School, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Kinky, Light Dom/sub, Löded Diper, M/M, Ogres, Scooby Doo References, Shrek is Love Shrek is Life, Slow Burn, The Music Man - Freeform, shipoopi, shrek is kinky
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:15:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26676538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hopeworldish/pseuds/hopeworldish, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phanicatthecrimescene/pseuds/Phanicatthecrimescene
Summary: Shrek is life...especially for Rodrick.
Relationships: Shrek/Rodrick Heffley
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17





	1. First Day, Part 1

{Rod’s P.O.V.}

"RODRICK! Get down here, I made you some breakfast," my mother, Susan, called up to me, jolting me awake from my slumber.  
"HOLY LÖDED-DUKIE-DIPER! Ma! You scared me!" I say, my heart racing as fast as a cau being startled by the bang of a gun.  
I force myself out of bed and get ready for my first day of senior year. School is so lame. I would've dropped out years ago, but I didn't want to split up the band (Löded Dukie Diper)--and I'm not entirely sure I would want to abandon Heather Hills, the girl I love, either. Don't get me wrong, all the hot chicks and my buds are great, but it would be kind of nice to meet someone new this year. Preferably someone with layers.  
My first instinct is to throw on my headphones and crank up the tunes. I'm not really in the mood to listen to one specific thing so I just hit shuffle. "Shipoopi" from The Music Man (1962) begins to play. Greg must have hacked into my account to download it. I'm both equally annoyed and energized by the strange vibes the song radiates.  
I hop on the railing and slide my way down to the kitchen. Mom has already prepared some chocolate chip pancakes and bacon for Greg and me, while Manny is already digging into his Cheerios. I grab my food from the counter and leave without saying goodbye, too distracted by the upbeat--yet slightly annoying music--flowing into my ears.  
Tom (stage name Draco), Joon (Rap Monster), and Ashlar (Black Sock) would be waiting for me to pick them up at Tom’s house any minute now. I pull up to the drive way around 7:35 and the band piles in the back of the van.  
"Dude! Did ya hear about the new kid?" Joon asks me.  
I'm still half asleep so I shake my head, not paying attention.  
"DUDE! LOOK OUT!"  
I'm startled awake, realizing someone is in the middle of the street. But it's not a person at all, it's some sort of...green thing.................................................................on a Scooby Doo longboard.

-_-________________________________________________________________________-_-

{Shrek's P.O.V.}

"Sir Shrek, your breakfast awaits you," Mr. Dawson, my butler, announced.  
I rolled out of my satin sheets and laid my feet on the cold, marble floor of my bedroom.  
"Sir Shrek, you mustn't wait too long or..."  
"ALRIGHT SHANE I'M GOING, GET OUT OF MY SWAMP...I MEAN ROOM!"  
A freshly ironed sweater vest is laid at the end of my bed, but I know better than to go to a public school dressed like that. I rummage through my wardrobe to see what I can find. About 5 minutes later, I settled on my white collared Slytherin jumper and black pants.  
I'm about to make my way down the stairs to get breakfast when Jeffree Star, my other butler, ushers me to a supply closet.  
He looks both ways before calling out, "Sister Shrek!”  
He pulls out a large Scooby Doo longboard. "I found it at Dollar Tree, but it should werk, hunny. It's what you kids call ‘sister snatched.’”  
"Thanks, Jeffree. Oh and by the way, you wouldn't happen to have a key to the back door by any chance, would you?"  
Jeffree swiftly pulls the key to the door out of his Louis Vuitton fanny pack and places it in my hands.  
"I'm three steps ahead of you, Sister Shrek."  
Jeffree hands me a can of Red Bull, winks, turns on his heel, and twerks before sashaying away.  
I make a beeline for the back door and start my journey to HELL. I mean Swampsdale High. I'm almost there, but I suddenly get stopped at a crosswalk. The sign says not to walk, but why wait, there are no cars coming. I decide to zoom across as fast as I can when a white van appears out of nowhere.  
I barely escape the van in enough time to save my own life, opting to abandon my new longboard and Red Bull (sorry Jeffree) to take the fall for me, also dropping my phone in the process. Shit.

-_-________________________________________________________________________-_-

{Rod’s P.O.V.}

Noticing the green blob just in time, I try and slam on my brakes. Unfortunately I still hit the green thing with my precious van. I hear a loud snap and immediately turned the car off. I jump out of my baby, and go to confront whatever just hit her.  
“What the hell is your problem man?!”  
“Me?! You’re the one that almost killed me! And great, now my ride to school is destroyed.”  
“That sounds like a you problem, buddy.”  
Ashlar suddenly calls out to me from inside the van.  
“Hey, man maybe we should just give him a ride to school so the little twerp doesn’t press charges on you. You don’t wanna lose the Diper-mobile.”  
I consider my options and unfortunately Ashlar is right, after all, the van is all this band has.  
“Fine asshole, get in the back with the band equipment. Sorry, there’s no seatbelts.”  
The green man hops into the van and we speed off to school, making it just in time for the first bell.

-_-________________________________________________________________________-_-

{Shrek’s P.O.V.}

After tossed around with the drums in the back, we finally--and quite surprisingly--make it to school without getting into another accident. The dude drives like a maniac. I go to the main office to get my schedule and hurry to class. Looks like my first class is...Properties of Onions. Fun. I dash to room 221b and burst into the class right as the bell is ringing. I am greeted with a Latina woman whose name is Mrs. Dabney. She gives me a stare that is scary for me, a real life ogre!  
“Well. Don’t just stand there, introduce yourself!” she says, beckoning me towards the front of the class.  
“Hey what’s up, I’m Shrek, I'm 19, and I never learned how to peel an onion. Oh and I'm an ogre.” I sit down awkwardly in the back of the class and try to make it seem like I’m paying attention. I just couldn’t get that skinny emo guy out of my mind--what were those guys calling him? Rodrick? His spiky hair and eyes were so dark that I could see the depths of all swamps in them. His handsome face was burned in my mind--as well as his ass. It was the perfect ass for spanking. And his throat...weird, I know, but...god, I wish I could wrap my large green fingers around it, leaving bruises on him and marking him as mine. Sure, maybe it was crazy that I was fantasizing about a guy that had almost run me over...but hey. I was desperate for love. And maybe I’m a kinky bastard. Sue me. I was so lost in my fantasies that I almost didn’t hear the bell ring, signaling first period’s end.  
Study hall. Ugh. I wander around Swampsdale High aimlessly until I come to room 666. Mr. Black’s Class.  
“Hey buddy! You must be Shrek, the new guy. Hope Swampsdale High has been treating you well so far! Call me Jack, Jack Black. Creator of many songs, including some from Yo Gabba Gabba--and my latest hit: Five Nights at Freddy’s.” After seeing my confused look, Jack whips out his phone and starts playing an awful tune. The video pictures him wearing a Rick and Morty T-shirt and Five Nights at Freddy’s pajama pants, pulled up WAY too high.  
I give him a forced smile and find a seat in the back. While pulling out my copy of Shades of Grey, I catch a glimpse of the spiky hair I’d been imagining earlier. Rodrick? My onion-shaped heart begins to pound, and I can feel myself visibly blush. If only he knew what he’d been doing to me last period. I feel my pants get tight as I think more about it…Fuck.  
“Umm.. Mr. Black? Can I go to the restroom?” I needed to get out of here, and fast.  
“Go ahead, champ. The pass is on the wall next to the door.”  
I make a beeline for the door and grab the dismembered foot (which is apparently his pass?) and speed off to the closest men’s room that I can find.  
Luckily, the bathroom I stumble into is seemingly empty. I go over to the sinks and splash some cold water in my face. What am I doing. Am I actually getting horny over another scrawny white boy right now? And one that I’d only known for 10 minutes after he had to give me a ride to school to save his own skin, at that. I really had to raise my standards. After clearing my head and snatching up the skeleton foot, I head for the door and come face-to-face with the man himself.  
“Hey! Watch where you’re going, man. Ugh, wait...you again? I thought I’d seen the last of you after you almost dented my precious baby.”  
“Wha- I didn’t--just...never mind,” I say, pushing past him (still a little flustered and horny from my little debacle earlier), before freezing and turning back around, “Actually, now that I found you...Is it ok if I borrow your phone? Mine is kind of broken from earlier and I need to find a ride home.”  
Rodrick sighs dramatically. God, he looks so sexy when he’s annoyed.  
“Sure, man. Just make it quick.” he says, though I can almost hear a twinge of sympathy in his voice.  
I begin to dial Shane’s number, when Rodrick suddenly speaks up.  
“Hey, man. I mean...if you want, I can just give you a ride in my van. I feel kinda bad for almost killing you earlier, even though you almost killed my baby. And the boys won’t be there--they all got detention for pantsing Mr. Benson earlier, so you can sit shotgun,” he says shrugging, pushing back his emo hair out of his eyes, revealing his sexy forehead.  
I stand there frozen for what feels like forever. Rodrick. Is offering me a ride. In his van. Alone. This is literally my dream come true. I mean, yeah, nothing will probably come of this but still...a man can dream. I’m so wrapped up in my thoughts that I have to snap myself out of it to actually answer him.  
“Ok, yeah, sure. Whatever.” Keep it cool, Shrek. Keep it cool. Don’t make it obvious that you just had a raging boner for him a couple minutes ago.  
“Ok, man. After 9th period just meet me by where I parked the van. But I’ll only wait 5 minutes for you, so don’t be late. I’ve got places to be, and women to see, if you know what I mean.”  
I nod and make my way back to Mr. Black’s study hall.  
Of course he’s straight, what was I thinking? Ugh. Why are all the hot ones always straight? I'll just have to have Jeffree and Shane console me with a Diet Root Beer and a glam session when I get home.  
The rest of the day goes by in a blur until it’s 2:15. I make my way down the halls of Swampsdale High to Rodrick’s van, and I smile when I see the white vehicle with the words Löded Diper spray painted on the side. I jog over to it but Rodrick is nowhere to be found. I make my way to the other side of the van to see a buff figure gripping Rodrick by the shirt. The jock holds him up and socks him in the eye before I’m able to make my way over to Rodrick. He throws some slurs Rodricks way and saunters away with a satisfied smirk on his face, bumping my shoulder on his way out.

-_-________________________________________________________________________-_-

{Rod’s P.O.V.}

I stand by the side of my van, scrolling through TikTok, waiting for Shrek to show up when all of a sudden I hear footsteps on the gravel. I look up, my face immediately falling when I see it is not Shrek but Larry Doran, the school jock who has a vendetta against anyone who isn’t self-absorbed and obsessed with football. He approaches me and I shoot him a nasty glare.  
“Was there something you wanted?”  
“Yeah, I wanted to know first of all why you’re wearing fucking makeup if you’re a guy? And second of all why were you talking to that green freak? You gay, Heffley?”  
“N-No. I’m not.”  
“Oh yeah, that's right, you have that pathetic crush on Heather Hills don’t you? Well, hate to break it to you, loser! She would never date some as worthless as you. She likes me.”  
Larry smirked. His bullying was a common occurrence, so I’d just come to accept the fact that every few weeks I’d get pounded to shit by him. There wasn’t much I could do about it--Larry was about three times the size of me. He towered over most of the students and teachers at Swampsdale High, so nobody could really stand up to him. I’d just learned to sit and take it most of the time. If I didn’t react, he’d get bored and the torture wouldn’t last as long.  
“And another thing! Löded Diper? What are you guys? Some baby band? Or are all of you just literal babies? Waah look at me I’m Rodrick and Heather doesn’t like me back because I’m a baby freak!”  
That hit hard. Almost as hard as Larry’s punches, but not quite. I told myself that I wouldn’t say anything--but it was at that point that I saw a glimpse of green walking up to the van. I couldn’t let Shrek see me like this. I had a badass attitude to uphold.  
“Fuck you, Larry.”  
I knew then from the look that came upon his face that it was the wrong thing to say. I soon find myself being grasped by the shirt collar and lifted into the air. I was helpless to stop him as Larry slammed me against my precious van, and I winced as my back came into contact with her. I’m definitely going to bruise tomorrow.  
“You’re gonna pay for saying that, freak.”  
Larry then punched my eye so hard that I saw stars. He then dropped me onto the ground, hard, and walked away whistling like he had won the lottery. I was used to this. Just because I looked a little different from everyone that painted a big target on my back for people like Larry. I tried to stand up but stumbled and fell back down groaning.


	2. First Day, Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rod goes to Shrek's house.

{Shrek’s P.O.V.}

“Rodrick! You okay, man? Who was that guy?”   
Rodrick groaned and held his eye.  
“No one. Don’t worry about it. Let’s just go.”  
Rodrick stumbled to the driver’s side of the car and fumbled with his keys.   
“...Are you sure? You really don’t look like you’re physically okay to drive right now. Let me, I don’t have my license, but I SWEAR I’ll be careful with the van.”   
“No chance, green guy! I’m driving.”   
Rodrick tried to stick the keys in the ignition, but failed miserably.  
“How many fingers am I holding up right now?” I asked, tilting my head.   
“I don’t know, man, 4?”  
“No no, you’re seeing doubles. Give me the keys. I’ll drive you back to my place and get you an ice pack. Jeffree is a registered nurse, so he can check you for a concussion.”   
Rodrick sighed and reluctantly handed me the keys.  
I got into the driver's seat and started the car. I saw Rodrick struggling to put his seatbelt on so I reached over and grabbed it from his hand. Our hands touched only for a second, but I felt a jolt of electricity run through me. I look up to see him looking at me as well. I knew right then and there that he felt the same spark I did. A blush rose to my cheeks and I quickly buckled his seatbelt and then pulled out of that hellhole as fast as the speed limit would allow me. 

We arrived at my house after a silent car ride. On the way to my house, I tried to talk to Rodrick about what had happened but he just stared out the window in a daze. I left it alone after a while, but it kept nagging at me.   
I ran up the marble steps of the mansion and flew open the door, not caring if my neighbors saw me.   
“Jeffree! Can I get an ice pack over here?” I called, frantically going from room to room looking for my sassy Voldemort-looking butler.   
Rodrick stumbled into the open front door.   
“Hey, man. Um I think you left me in the car.” Rodrick groaned, a slight bruise already forming around his eye. “Whoa.” He looked around at the grand foyer of my house. “This is where you live?”   
I blushed, embarrassed. This is why in my old town I’d never let people come over. I hated showing off.   
“Um. Yeah… Anyways. I think Jeffree must be out shopping with Shane.”  
“Who?”  
“Oh, um they’re, like, my butlers? My family is kinda rich. But that doesn’t matter right now, I gotta get you something for that eye.” I led Rodrick into the kitchen and pulled an ice pack out of the freezer, placing it over his eye. I had to admit, it was kind of hot seeing him all vulnerable like this. I felt like a nurse in one of those pornos where the patient and the doctor have sex on the hospital bed. Not now, Shrek. Rodrick needs your help. Don’t ruin the moment by going all horn-dog on him.  
“Ugh. Thanks, man. I’m sorry you had to see that. It’s honestly just embarrassing at this point. It’s happened so many times that I’ve lost count, and you’re, like, the first person to actually notice. Not even my parents seem to care when I come home with a new injury every couple weeks.”  
I looked at Rodrick, dumbfounded. Did he know what he was saying right now or was it just the concussion talking? The Rodrick I’d seen earlier had been guarded and uptight. Now it seemed like he was emptying out his deepest secrets onto me.   
I reached out and placed my large, green hand on his shoulder, giving it a squeeze. To my surprise, he reached over and touched my hand, turning it, then entwining it with his and returning my squeeze. I felt a jolt of electricity travel up out of my hand and throughout my body. The electricity also went somewhere else, if you know what I mean.   
“You know, I thought you were kinda lame when I first met you, but you seem like a chill guy.” Rodrick let go of my hand and gave a weak smile, the kind you give when you’re in pain.  
“Thanks. And hey, if it means anything to you, my parents never really noticed me when they were alive, either. They’d always leave me at home with Jeffree and Shane as they travelled the world or whatever.”   
“How’d they die?” He blurted, and I winced.  
“They were on a private jet coming back from Far Far Away, when they crashed into a swamp. But it’s ok, I’ve always seen Jeffree and Shane as, like, my pseudo-parents anyways.”   
Rodrick nodded, looking unsure of what to say. I don’t blame him, what could you say in this situation?   
“Come on, are you feeling better? I’ll drive you home. Jeffree can probably pick me up on his way back from the store. I wanna make sure you get home safe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short filler chapter! We promise the next one will be much longer and much more dramatic with a touch of smut ;))  
> Hope you enjoy! leave a comment :)


	3. The Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rod invites Shrek to a party to see his band perform.

{Rod’s P.O.V.}

“EX-PLÖD-ED DUKIE DI-PER! All over the place! EX-PLÖD-ED DUKIE DI-PER! In yo' face! EX-PLÖD-ED DUKIE DI-PER! Feel the Dukie-Diper's thunder! WE'RE GONNA HIT THE FAN! Can't keep this Dukie-Diper down!”  
“Duuude, we are so ready for this gig Friday.”   
“Yeah, you guys are gonna be sick! Thanks for agreeing to play at my party.” Don said.  
“No problem man! Anything for my homie,” I say while putting my drumsticks in my backpack.  
“I’m just glad your concussion didn’t fuck up our chance at rocking this gig,” Draco said while giving me a glare that would rival even my mother’s.  
“Hey, it’s not like I asked to get hit by a fucking flying football on the way to my van!” God, they were such idiots.  
“Hey Rod, got any classes with that weird ogre lookin’ dude? I saw him sittin’ all alone at lunch like a loser!”   
Joon chuckled as he elbowed Ashlar who laughed before adding, “Yeah, LOSER!”   
“Hey! He’s not that bad! He was the one who drove me home when I got beat--um, never mind. He’s just not that bad, alright?”  
“Whatever man, he’s still a green freak.” Joon said in disgust.  
“YEAH A FREAK GREEN! I MEAN GREEN FREAK” Ashlar yelled.  
“Ugh, you guys are idiots. I’m outta here. I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” I say disgusted as I storm out.

-_-________________________________________________________________________-_-

{Rod’s P.O.V.}

I really did not want to go to school the next day, but my stupid mother made me, ugh, stupid Susan! I pulled up to school and was able to get to first period with no problem--thank the diper Gods! I slept all first period until the screech of the bell rudely woke me up. I slung my bag over my shoulder and left for second period: Mr. Black’s class. I stroll in and see Shrek sitting at a table in the back, reading Fifty Shades of Grey--kinky bastard. I slide in the seat next to him, feeling the drum sticks pound in my stomach. 

{Shrek’s P.O.V.}  
I feel the onions peeling in my stomach as I see Rodrick coming up next to me. Fuck. I wonder if he remembers telling me his tragic backstory from yesterday and is coming to scare me into silence or something. I flinch as he slides into the seat next to me and I set down my book.  
“Hey, man. So my band has this gig on Friday and I just wanted to ask if you’d be interested in coming. It’s at Don’s house and he’s asking me to get the word out, so like...are you in?”  
I let out a breath of relief when I realize that he isn’t here to threaten me. However, the reality of the situation hits me, and I once again lose the ability to breathe properly. Rodrick Heffley. Is inviting me. To a party. To see his band. How could I say no? This is my chance!   
I blink hard. “Yeah, sure. Just give me his address and I’ll be there,” I say, trying not to sound too eager.  
“Ok, cool. Maybe I’ll see you there,” he slides me a flier with the party details and smirks, grabbing his bag and sauntering over to his desk right as the late bell sounds.   
I turn it over and notice that he’s also taken the liberty to add his phone number.   
“thanks for your help, text me sometime”  
I try to contain my smile but fail miserably. I don’t even care. I’m too happy to care.   
When I get home that day, I spill all the tea to Jeffree and Shane. They decide that they’re going to give me a makeover the day of the party.   
“Yass, my green toadstool! We’re gonna help you get your mans henny! He won’t know what hit him.”

-_-________________________________________________________________________-_-

{Shrek’s P.O.V.}

Once I’m all glammed up, I walk to Don’s house into the overcrowded and insanely loud house, elbowing past my classmates and people I didn't recognize to get through. I scan the crowd for someone I know and see Don over by a counter.   
“Hey buddy!”  
“Shreeeekkkkk, glad you could make it mannn!” he said, clearly intoxicated.  
“Wouldn’t have missed it!” I say, knowing damn well I would have. The only reason I came to this stupid party was to see Rodrick and his band, Stinky Diaper or something, play.  
Speaking of which, where is Rodrick? I look around the crowded house once more, and I start to venture to the back rooms when someone moves in front of me, halting me in my place. It was a girl I recognized from Mr. Wazowski’s acting class.   
“Hey, I’m Fiona! Aren’t you the new kid? I think we’re in Mr-”  
“--Mr. Wazowski’s class. Yeah.” I didn’t mean to be short with her, but I was a man on a mission. I needed to find the skinny emo kid that had been invading my thoughts all week.  
“Let me get you a drink! Here, take a cup.”  
Fiona handed me a red solo cup filled to the brim with something that smelled strongly of alcohol. I took it, though I knew it wouldn’t do much for me. I was too big and green for alcohol to really get me anything past buzzed.   
“Thanks,” I said, looking over heads in the crowded house, ignoring Fiona’s incessant chatter about Mr. Wasowski’s homework while twirling her hair. Like yeah, she was a cute girl, but I just wasn’t interested. Skinny emo boys occupied my mind over girls.   
Fiona followed me through the crowd, clinging onto my arm as I tried to shake her off and find Rodrick. I didn’t know what time he and his band were performing, but I’d be damned if I missed it. I chugged the drink and threw the cup onto a nearby table and whirled around to face her. I look down at her and grip her shoulders.   
“Look, you’re a really nice girl, but I’m--” My eyes wander up, where I see Rodrick at the center of a crowd in the family room, standing on a couch.   
“Hey everyone, we’re playing in the garage in five minutes! You don’t wanna miss this! We’re Löded Dukie Diper and we’re gonna ROCK!”   
Rodrick and I lock eyes as he finishes his announcement, and I can see in his eyes that he looks...hurt? I pull away from Fiona and walk swiftly to the family room. By the time I get there, though, he’s nowhere to be found. Fuck.   
“You’re what? Shrek!”  
I pushed past Fiona and went to go look for Rodrick, I had to elbow my way through the sweaty and gross bodies of my peers just to get into the next room. I find myself in the family room packed full of people. I scan the crowd looking for Rodrick but I don’t see him, so I leave for the garage when I catch a whiff of his sexy emo hair from the corner of the room. I whip my head around to see Heather and Rodrick sucking each other’s faces off. He must have sensed that someone was looking at him because his eyes immediately spot me and harden. He gave Heather one last sloppy kiss before playing it off and strolling to the exit. Unluckily for both of us, I am right in front of the doorway.   
“Outta my way, green guy. I gotta get to the garage. The band’s waiting on me.”  
He tries to shove me out of the way, but I catch his arm and say, “You’ve got something on your cheek.”   
I let go and he swipes his arm across his face before glaring at me and storming off. I released a breath I didn’t realise I was holding. I close my eyes to compose myself. This was not how I pictured this night going.  
All of a sudden I see the crowd file out of the house, going in the direction of the garage, but I can’t even force myself to look at Rodrick right now. I go upstairs and find my way to the bathroom. Not gonna lie, a few tears were Shrek’d. Oops, I mean shed. As I hear the bass of the band, curled around the toilet, I think about how wrong this night had gone. I felt like I was in one of those bad coming of age movies, pathetically crying in a bathroom. I should have been in the bathroom with Rodrick, feeling up every inch of his body as we made out against the sink.   
After about half an hour, the muffled music stops and I once again hear people shuffling back into the house. I dry my tears and come downstairs, ready to go home and just call it a night with Shane and Jeffree.  
“Shrek! I’ve been looking for you!” Fiona jumps up behind me as I’m attempting my escape. “I didn’t see you out in the garage! Anyways, come on, I hear Joon’s organizing a game.”  
“Fiona, I really--”  
“Come on, it’s starting!”  
She pulls my hand and reluctantly I’m led down to the basement, just wishing for this night to end. I immediately am greeted with the annoying voice of fuckface #1 AKA Joon, loudly announcing, “Seven minutes in heaven, everyone! Gather around, bring your friends!”   
A chorus of agreement answers him, prompting fuckface #2, Ashlar, to say “YEAH, SEVEN MINUTES IN A CLOSET, WOO-HOO PARTY TIME!”   
“Alright, so here are the rules, someone will spin this empty beer bottle and whoever it lands on has to go into the closet together for seven minutes--no exceptions!” The people in the basement nod their approval and everyone who wants to play sits on the floor in a circle. Fiona pulls me down next to her--and ew, Larry is next to us, making me seated right across from Rodrick.  
I see him look at me, but I can’t meet his eyes. Don squeezes in between him and Heather, eyeing me. It’s almost as if he knew what was going on.   
Ashlar chugs his beer bottle and throws it on the carpeted floor.  
“WHO’S READY TO MAKE OUT WITH THE BLACK-SOCKED BITCH?”   
“Absolutely nobody, Ashlar.” Draco says, annoyed.  
Ashlar ignores him and spins the bottle with great force, and it lands on none other than Heather Hills. I smirk to myself as Heather rolls her eyes and reluctantly walks to the closet door with Ashlar. They go in together and after a minute, everyone can hear the muffled grunting noises coming from the closet. When they finally come out, Heather’s lipstick is all over Ashlar and his shirt is buttoned up incorrectly.  
“WOw, I never expected that to happen, sorry, my man,” Don says as he claps Rodrick on the back.  
“It’s no big deal Don, I heard she’s been in an on-again-off-again relationship with that black-socked bitch for over a year now.”   
The bottle is handed to Rodrick and spun again. Time stops as I await the person it will land on. Don’t be me. Don’t be me. Ah, fuck. It’s me.  
“WOO, ROD AND THE GREEN GUY!” Ashlar hollers.  
“Ugh, can’t we just have a redo?” Rodrick asks, not looking at me.  
“No redo’s, man!” Joon calls.   
“Why? You a pussy? Maybe you’re just trying to hide the fact that you’ll actually enjoy it.” Larry sneers.  
A unanimous “OHHH” erupts from the crowd. Rodrick angrily jolts up from his seat on the floor and storms to the closet.   
“Come on. Let’s just get this over with.”  
I’m pulled up and am shoved into the small closet by Don where Rodrick is waiting for me. The door swings shut and locks with a sense of finality. I knew that once the door opened, things would not be the same between Rodrick and I. I took in my bearings, nothing special-- but what did I expect? It’s just a closet. Rodrick is looking anywhere but me, seemingly pissed off. I’m unsure what to say to him, here we are, me and my--probably hetero--crush, locked in a closet, alone.   
“So, are you and Fiona a thing?” He blurts. I looked at him shocked.  
“What? No! Gross!” I exclaimed. “Why?” Why was he acting so weird? He’d just been off sucking Heather Hill’s face, why would he care?  
“Oh, well I didn’t see you at our awesome performance so I just assumed you were with her.” Rodrick said, accusingly.   
I wasn’t about to go over the crying session I had had in Don’s upstairs bathroom, so I did the next best thing: I deflected.  
“Do you like Heather?”  
“No, man,” he said, jaw tight.   
I could tell there was something else he wanted to say that he was holding back. He looked around nervously before inhaling deeply and locking eyes with me.  
“Not like I like you.”   
I suddenly find my back pressed against some coats. He starts kissing me, hard. Of course, after I get over my initial shock, I kiss back.   
“Whoa.” I said as he pulled away. This was a big turn of events.  
“I would say sorry but I’m not. Seeing Fiona flirt with you made me so... I don't even know… mad!” he said, then once again began to kiss me.  
This time I was the one to pull away. I smirked as an idea came into my head, after all, this is Seven Minutes in Heaven. I start to trail my hands down his skinny chest and torso, slowly working towards the waistband of his pants. He inhales sharply and kisses me some more. I pull away and look at him, silently asking for permission to continue. He nods and quietly moans as I unbutton his jeans. I get on my knees and kiss each thigh, looking up at him once again for consent.  
“Oh god, Shrek, don’t stop.” I didn't. I pull down his boxers to reveal his not-so-small member. He was already hard, precum leaking and dripping on the carpet. I take him in my mouth, only gagging a little bit at his leg and start sucking him off.  
“Don’t stop,” he moaned and I kept going, sucking harder to get him to finish.  
“Shrek, I’m gonna cum.” I suck even harder as I feel Rodrick shudder above me and shoot his load down my throat. I swallow all of it. Unfortunately, in our haze, we did not hear the door burst open and were met with Larry whipping out his phone, recording us.  
“Well, well, well. Look what we have here. Turns out I was right and lil Rodrick here is bent!” He cackles and I quickly get up, my face flushing in contrast to Rodrick’s paling face.  
“Oh shit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thank you to A_GIIIRL and imverydehydratedlol for supporting our fic! This chapter is dedicated to you! Hope you enjoy!! Comment if you Shrek'd--I mean shed--some tears. :)


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